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Darkside Zodiac - Aquarius

topic posted Thu, August 25, 2005 - 7:30 AM by  Poosie
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The following is from the book Darkside Zodiac by Stella Hyde. A very fun read.

Aquarius is a masculine, fixed Air sign ruled by Uranus. It is the eleventh sign on the zodiac wheel, directly opposite Leo, and is named for the constellation Aquarius (the water carrier), which looks down its nose and takes notes behind the Sun at this time of year.
On the Darkside, this makes you a chilly, detached, eccentric loner, with perverse voyeuristic habits and a shard of ice in your heart.

Annoying habits:

Punctuality - You refuse to follow anyone else's agenda, so never turn up on time, or even on day. People blame it on your legendary but suspect absentmindedness, but you know it's your way of controlling the situation.

Toothpaste - You don't use toothpaste, mostly because you've usually lost the tube (last seen as a bookmark), but clean your teeth at the lab with the handheld sonar gun. They glow a bit in the dark, but it's a good look.

Temper gauge - 0 degrees to boiling point in .0001 seco. since you do not suffer fools gladly, but like to give people a chance to defend themselves. No red-faced shouting (not logical), just cool insults and deletion of offender from your database.


Personalit: Aloof, arrogant, alien

Well, waterboys, you have set things up well on the Brightside, making sure everyone knows you are a cool, detached, distant, offbeat, freedom-loving loner because, after your extensive study of human nature, you know that nothing is more irresistible to us grubby, hot, sweaty little Earthlings than a cool, detached, etc. loner, drifting in and out of our dull little lives. It's a great bit of symbiosis: we all think that maybe we will be the one who will bring you down to Earth, and you just love being worshiped from afar.
But it's not a Brightside pose, it it? You don't care that your Darside is on desplay because, insulated in your space suit, you don't feel the consequences of your words or actions. You really are a chilly-hearted, disengaged observer of the human condition, who has never knowingly reacted spontaneously to any experience. Whatever you're doing, the inner you is busy making observations and taking notes. You even do it when you are on your own; in fact, you find yourself and your reactions to stimuli endlessly fascinating. Your diaries are written to give you something sensational to read on the return trip to Betelgeuse.
Not that you think what other people do is dull; au contraire, you're the one outside the neighbor's house with the night-visiion binos and the infrared camera; you say legitimate research, the judge says voyeur. Perverse is how you like it; you don't do routine or reliable, and although you want everybody else to show how much they need you, you'd rather drink rocket coolant than let them know you needed them. You are cranky and surly when it would be more productive to be charming and cooperative (your annual work review, for example); cold and standoffish to your family, and kind and forgiving to your drinking buddies down on Skid Row (they make you feel so deliciously superior.) You signal your contrariness by dressing in eccentric garments to ensure that we all recognize your fascinating otherness.
As for the absentmindedness - the I-am-far-too-intellectual-and-otherworldly-to-remember-what-day-it-is-or-to wipe-my-own-butt-or-do-the-supermarket-run routine? It's just a very good act. You get out of all the dull stuff, like social engagements or work, you don't have to keep telling tedious people like your spouse what you are up to; and some gullible samp (there's always one) will cook your meals and wash your socks - all you have to do is come up with a work of unsurpassably staggering genius every now and again. And that's easy: you just log on to the Net and steal one; dull-brained people say plagiarize, you say homage. If you can't be bothered to do that, and people find you out as the parasitical drone you are, then you just shrug and point to the logo on your T-shirt (Take Me of Leave Me).
And it's no good telling us that you are an offworlder, ignorant of Earthling ways. YOu have been here quite long enough now.

Bitch rating:
A--. Theorectically a high-ranker, but you don't bother much because, for a smart one-liner king like you, it's just shooting fish in a very small barrel; but if you find a worthy foe, and there is an appreciative audience on hand, you come on like Cyrano de Bergerac and pulp their ego to mush with vicious sarcasm.

Collective noun:
A technical tip for non-Aquarians. You may find yourself, for some bizarre zodiacal reason, on the frosty observation deck of a space station full of Aquarians, each sealed in their own individual space pod. Logic gates can be heard closing in the distance. This is a Spock of Aquarians. Wear thermal underwear.

Fave Deadly Sin:
It's fascinating what humans devise to beat themselves up with - must be some sort of ritual psychodrama. All the sins are a bit crude and obvious, and require an engagement of the flesh that you don't really do, but finding out which ones fit you looks like fun - kind of like knowing your sun sigh - and you love a good mind game. So perhpas the one called Sloth, because you can be a tad languid, and maybe Pride, but that's rather academic, for you obviously ARE superior to everyone else, not just swanning around thingking you are.
posted by:
Poosie
Indiana
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  • Re: Darkside Zodiac - Aquarius

    Thu, August 25, 2005 - 7:32 AM
    It continues on, but I think that I'll save that for another day. Let you all soak this in.

    It's a really fun book. I've read about all of the signs. It's the first zodialogical book that had me laughing out loud more than once.
  • Re: Darkside Zodiac - Aquarius

    Tue, August 30, 2005 - 7:14 PM
    This Aquarius is always early never late, must be the Capricorn cusp that keeps me to anal. I like to stay ahead insted of following. Nothing is more boring then a clique. Never like being conventional.

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